somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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