One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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