I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I puked a lego.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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