I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
