On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
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So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
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FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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