I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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