My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
