went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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