I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh god it's open bar.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
