Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
