weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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