Come see our sink grown plant.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
