I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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