i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
