1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have demons in me.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
