She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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