my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
