ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
