Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
