so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
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And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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