I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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