Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
