I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
