I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
