Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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