end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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