I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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