no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
