I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
