I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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