Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
