yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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