you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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