I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
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once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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