do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
