dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
