i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
