Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
