Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
