someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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