Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
