The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
