I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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