where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
