If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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