The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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