I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
