Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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