She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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