why didn't you poke me back
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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