No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
