I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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