dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
