I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
