the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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