Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
