I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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